Did You Notice Me?

I have neglected blogger for one major reason...TIME. I do not have enough of it. I have A LOT to update on, especially with the boys. I will do that VERY soon, I do promise. (Sorry Grandma & Cheryl)

I hope everyone has a happy and safe weekend.

Jenn

This is my Friday!

I am so happy that its Thursday! Today is my Friday since I have to take Dylan to his endocrinologist (2 hours away) tomorrow. The kids are off on Fall Break, so they will all be making the trip with me. I'm looking forward to having a little extra time with them, even if they do drive me nuts from time to time.

A little later this morning I have to go to Gavin's school and meet with his teacher in order to get his report card. They have implemented a 'must-do' conference rule in order to get the kids first nine weeks report cards. It is a good thing, but I feel bad for those children that do not have pro-active parents. They will not be allowed to get a report card until that first one is picked up in person. I do not know when I'll get Dylan's but I know Tyler's conference is next week. Tyler has somehow pulled a fast one on me and got me to promise an iPod Shuffle if he makes Straight A's on his report card. I wonder if I'll be coughing up an iPod shuffle next week!?!?!

So, I guess this is a short and sweet post but I'll post more after the appointment tomorrow. Let's hope he has grown some more :)

Jenn

And This TO Shall Pass

I have been purposefully distant lately. Honestly, the post I posted prior to my last one took a lot out of me emotionally, and I think I affected a few family members as well. As if that were not enough to pore out, I've been wrestling with a lot of other emotionally drama these days.

I've come to realize that life changes really fast and we need to recognize we are not the ones in control. There is a plan for us. Someone UP there KNOWS what is in store for us each and everyday. Whenever I stop trying to take the wheel, maybe I won't be so upset when life does a flipflop in front of my eyes. I guess I'm giving in and realizing it as I type this completely free of preplanning. This is me...in the now, letting it out. I'm tired of holding back in fear of hurting others. "Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You" - does this mean if you throw stones at me, I'm allowed to throw stones back? Then there is the whole "turn the other cheek" part....so what is right and what is wrong? One action causes a reaction which in return causes another reaction and before you know it we are ALL over- reacting, then dirty status updates appear on Facebook and Myspace blasting the person that use to be your best friend. It would be so easy for me to say hurtful things back, but the truth is I care about her. I just ignore it and move on with me life. I wish her the best, I would never wish her anything less. While she boasts on "kicking my ass to the curb", I pray that she finds peace. It hurts me but this too shall pass. I realize that people are sinners and the only one that will never disappoint me is the Lord.
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I'm Neither Here Nor There

I feel so 'blah' lately. My allergies are going crazy due to our erratic weather. Some days I struggle to keep my head up at work because it just has so much pressure in it. Unfortunately, when I get stuffy I get dizzy and when I get dizzy I get sick, sick. Vertigo SUCKS. Anyways, right now I feel awful and I really just want to go to bed. I can't. So, I decided to blog quickly.

Tyler was excited to let me know that he is the Student of the Month. He got a certificate and some coupons to redeem at local restaurants. He said he had his picture taken at school. He also signed up for 4-H. I'm not exactly sure what 4-H entails, so if you know, enlighten me. He has ended up having a pretty good year, so far.

Dylan and Gavin's school is having their book fair this week. Tomorrow is family literacy night, so we'll be attending. The book fair is always an exciting time. I have volunteered in years past to work it but I am sad to say this year I will be unable to help out. It is probably a good thing though since I am a sucker for books. I always end up buying more books when I swear I'm going to take advantage of the public library more.

Have you started Christmas shopping yet? I have been picking up one or two items a week just to be on the safe side. I figured if I didn't do it this way, I'd be up the creek come December. I haven't started on the boys yet but I am determined NOT to get them toys. We just do NOT have room in this house for many more toys even with them donating old toys to charity. We are outgrowing our place. ::sigh:: Plus, my mother in law is still living with us. She has mentioned getting her own place a few times, but I don't see that working out. I'm not sure if she needs to be alone.

Ok, I'm seriously feeling worse the longer I sit here with my head vertical. I'm about to go take a shower & force the kids to bed early for my sanity.

Much Love,
Jenn

Ahhh! I'm tired.

That's all.

Excruciatingly tired. Is that even a word? I don't think so.

I will blog when I have more energy. Right now...its time for bed! To bed I said...I will not eat green eggs and ham Sam I Am!

Adios!

THE LAST SONG




As much as I hate not finishing a book, I had to set "The Time Travelers Wife" aside to start "The Last Song." "The Time Travelers Wife" is very interesting; however, It is a book that goes back and forth a lot and I wasn't as in to it as I was hoping to be. I tried not to give into to temptation but I could not take it any longer. I started reading "The Last Song" Friday and finished it early this morning.

I am an avid Nicholas Sparks reader. I know that most all of his books tug at the heart strings...ok so all of them do. I was super excited to read this particular book because this is the book I got signed by him in person a couple of weeks ago. This is also the book that they have turned into a movie staring Miley Cyrus (I'm really not impressed with her as "Ronnie". I just do not feel she is going to be pull this off. I Hope she proves me wrong.) which was filmed 10 minutes from Savannah on Tybee Island. Tybee Island is picturesque. Josh and I went there last year and walked around the island & toured the light house. I think it will be the perfect backdrop for this movie.

The book was fantastic but it struck a personal nerve with me, which was unexpected. It made me think of personal issues that I have choose to block out of my mind. So, for my family that reads my blog, please be aware that some of things I am about to say may upset you. My intention is to finally deal with some of my emotions that I have choose NOT to deal with for 15 years.

My Grandfather passed away 15 years ago. I lived with them at the time and I watched the cancer take him away. The process is agonizing in every aspect. At the time I was 13 years old and the notion of death wasn't something real to me. My Grandfather was the first man in my life, even if it was sporadic in my first few years due to his career. I did not have a father but I didn't realize it until I left my grandparents home. There were circumstances surrounding my Grandfather's death that has left my family completely divided. Everyone has their own story and everyone blames everyone. In the middle of all the blame...I just shut off. I do not remember anyone ever asking me how I felt or how I was dealing. Why should they? I probably went right on smiling. I never stopped and processed it all. My thoughts were always with my Grandma who just lost the one man that she was married to for so many years. Yet, no one really asked her either. Selfishness.

They all have their memories. They have their stories. They all mourned. I did not. I could not. Even though I saw him dying, it didn't sink in that he would actually go. As he cried in the middle of the night for family that had long been gone, it wasn't real to me. When he asked me to play my trumpet by his bedside, while the morphine dripped, I didn't know it would be the last time. I still can't listen to "When the Saints Go Marching In." I blocked that far away. I choose to block those horrible memories. I didn't want to think about him unable to get up from the couch because he was too weak. So, I choose to remember him this way. Short in stature, round belly, large Greek nose with a voice to match. He would get so angry and forget it just as quickly as it came. He stuck his tongue out when he swept the driveway and he slept while the baseball games were on, but he knew every play & score. He taught me how to play rummy before I could read, and no matter how many points he 'spotted' me, I only ever beat him once. He would say, "Uh duhhh" at the dinner table just to make me laugh but aggravate my Grandma. He tucked his white undershirt into his jeans. He snuck his snacks because he was a diabetic, yet we knew what he was doing. I could sit on his lap and he never complained that my butt was bony! He could tell me exactly where a country was on a map, because he probably had been there. He loved to fish. He taught me how to fish with just bread as bait. I always knew when he came back empty handed after a day of fishing that "they were too small and he had to throw them back in". He was the first man in my life and no one knew how I felt to lose that. I often think about what he must think of me, if he could see me now. I wish he could have met Josh, because I really think he would have liked him. I wonder if he would have been disappointed in some of my decisions. I hate that I was old enough to hold on to these memories but I hate that I was so young that I didn't get a chance to ask him the questions I wanted to ask.

As I write this, I feel guilty for even bringing most of this up. I hate that I've cried after so long. I hate that I see the things I choose not to see. Most of all, I hate the fact that I can't change the fact that I didn't actually say goodbye to him.

While I understand it was especially hard for my family, I just don't know if they understood how I felt. Maybe it is something I should never have put out there, but I think a part of me just had to for my own reasons. I don't know if I can actually verbalize any thing I'm feeling, so I guess its part of the reason I do not talk about it and really do not want to even after I publish this blog.

So. There you have it.

Thanks, Nicholas Sparks. The book was great.

My Head....OH MY HEAD!

I got the flu shot last week and since then I have felt SO crappy! It all could be in my head, but I seriously think the flu shot has made me feel worse. My head feels like is may literally burst. My energy level is at an all time low. I am just BLAH!

That's it. BLAH!

And with that......


Till next time :)